Noah may not physically be here, but he will always be a part of our family, an important part. As so just as Jarrett, Gabriel, Michael, Isabelle and even myself are in pictures along our wall, I felt so strongly that Noah deserves his place in our home as well.
Jarrett ended up taking the entire weekend off of work. That NEVER happens, but it was so wonderful. My sister MaeLyn came to town for a week and it has been fun spending time with her but also having Dad home as well. Being in San Diego was great for Jarrett and I, but we both felt and knew it was time to reconnect as a family.
And had we (just Jarrett and I) not gone away to San Diego, I don't think we would have been in a place to reconnect, to bond, like we did this weekend. It was such a glorious, low key weekend, I can't even remember what we did.
On Friday afternoon Gabriel asked me if we could start putting together a Noah's Ark puzzle Nana and Papa had given us a couple of years ago for Christmas. It was the puzzle that had made its a way to the back of our closet, one of those "in our spare time" activities we hadn't ever made time for. It's also the same puzzle that just happened to fall out of the closet on my foot the morning of June 26th, as I prepared to go to the funeral home to make arrangements for the my precious son. A puzzle I honestly hadn't seen in years, just happened to fall out of the closet and onto my foot... and it just happened to be the Noah's Ark one. Maybe just another coincidence...maybe.
With nothing really on our agenda, I told Gabriel that it would be a fine activity to do, so he set up shop and the puzzle-putting together commenced. Now three days later we only have about 250 pieces of the 1,000 pieces left to put in. It's been a group effort, with most of the family, including MaeLyn, Nana and Papa finishing the majority of the pieces. I usually walk by, find one piece that fits in and declare I've contributed my piece for the day.
Sadly our family isn't one to often put together puzzles but it has actually been a lot of fun. And I have a feeling, activities like this may become even more of a regular part of our routine. In rebuilding this new and different life, one of the many changes I've noticed is that the TV in our living room is very rarely on. If you'd come to our house prior to this life changing summer, it was a guarantee you'd find our TV on. I admit it, we are TV people. But, in losing Noah, the TV doesn't seem as interesting anymore. I can't tell you the last time I turned on the TV, the last time I watched the news or paid any attention to a TV show. Maybe its because I'm not ready to face the world and the reality that life has moved on. Maybe its because we've been so showered in love with kindness, that our faith in mankind has been restored and I don't need any news reminding me of anything different. And maybe its because, we've found that while we spent time together watching TV, we really didn't spend time together as a family. It wasn't a conscious decision to NOT watch TV, it has become a new routine, one I like, actually one I think we all like.
In addition to putting together our Noah's puzzle, some other activities we participated in was making practice cupcakes for MaeLyn's wedding. I hadn't made cupcakes since Isabelle's birthday back in February and wasn't sure I remembered how. Baking has always been a hobby Isabelle and I enjoy doing together and so we dug out the baking supplies and took a shot at it. I think they turned out okay... Isabelle's been begging for cupcakes about 10 times a day.
In addition to baking, puzzling, and swimming, the other thing we did this weekend was spent time putting up some new decorations, pictures in memory of our beloved littlest angel, Noah.
Our dear friends gave us this beautiful personalized picture frame with the lyrics to the song, The Dance by Garth Brooks. I had blogged about it earlier, after Noah was born, about how the lyrics of that song reminded me to be thankful for what we were going through.
And now, I'm glad I didn't know,
the way it all would end,
the way it all would go.
Our lives, are better left to chance,
I could have missed the pain,
but I'd have had to miss the dance.
And how true those words are today. Never would I have wanted to know, back on that beautiful June 13, 2015, that I would have had to say goodbye to my precious baby just 12 days later. It is blissful to know now that every single day I woke up and raced to that hospital, that I never truly believed he was going to leave me so soon. Instead, in my mind, I dreamed about how he was going to grow, all the things we were going to do in his long and healthy life. That's the bliss that filled my mind. And while scary at the time, I look back now and think, "those were some of the best days of my entire life." Thank God I got them.
And just like the song, says, our lives are better left to chance. I could have missed the pain, but I'd have had to miss, the dance. And just like the doctors and nurses told us... we were active in the NICU dance, but gosh am I sure glad I got to participate. I'm forever grateful to God that he gave me those 12 precious days with my son. That in those 12 days I got to feel him wrap his hand around my finger, where I got to kiss him all over his tiny body but especially on his head, on his hands, on his nose and his precious lips. And that in those 12 days I got to hold him close to my chest, next to my beating heart, those gifts more precious than anything in this world.
So the song is right, I could have missed the pain I live with today, but I would have had to miss the chance to know, to meet, and to love unconditionally my son. Thank GOD I got to be in the dance.
In addition to the beautiful Noah James frame we were given, Jarrett and I put up a small collage of photos taken by the wonderful NILMDTS group. Here's how it turned out.
And after that we decided to do a family art project. I had always wanted to create a picture of each one of our hand prints together. It's one of the few things we have left, besides pictures to remember just how tiny our Noah was. So today, since Dad was home we decided to create our family hand prints.
It actually turned out to be fun. Each one of us placed our painted hand print along the canvas in order of youngest to oldest. Then I wrote at the top, our family and the names of each person's hand print along the bottom.
When it was all done, we hung the picture up above our hall closet. The closet we are in everyday. Yes, us six, that is our family. While one of us, has gone before the rest, we still remain..one family.
Our painting reminds me, that yes, we are still one.
Our final project today was to begin working on the wall in our home which is dedicated to our children. Its the wall that has each of the kids' pictures, their names and the saying, "With our three angels... we became a family" above their photos. Today, we added Noah's picture and soon his name and a new saying will be added....
"With our FOUR angels..."
because in my mind, he will always be as much of an important member of our family as everyone who is still here. So yes, his picture belongs there, and today I felt it was time to start making changes to get our wall updated.
Where Gabriel, Michael and Isabelle's pictures are in full color, we purposely chose Noah's to be in black and white. A symbol that his life here on Earth is over, but that he will never be forgotten and always cherished. As Gabriel, Michael and Isabelle's life here goes on, I like how theirs will be captured in color while Noah's will remain unchanged. I'd give everything and anything to have four full of life and color pictures along my wall, but it will never be. I find comfort in having pictures of my four children along the wall for yes all four of them are my angels. Some angels here on Earth and one up in Heaven.
And speaking of Heaven, Noah was with us again today. This morning we raced out the door, as we usually do, and piled into the car to race to church. The kids, my sister and I were in the van waiting for Dad to come out when Michael said, "Look Mom, there's a rainbow!" At first I thought he must be joking. Seriously the sun was shining, it was a typical desert morning... how could there be a rainbow I thought? There's not even a dark cloud in the sky. But then, I looked...
And there it was, just a few houses down from ours. Just barely up in the sky, faintly making it's appearance, but in our van, the rainbow's presence celebrated in vibrant cheers and joys.
Dad came out and saw the beautiful colorful sign. He got in the car and we drove the 6 miles to church. The rainbow was visible the entire way and we talked. "I've never seen so many rainbows here in the the desert in the entire time we've lived here." I said. To which Jarrett responded, "that is what I was just thinking."
When I knew my son was dying, I begged him to give me signs he was going to be okay when he left us. I begged him over and over. Each time I stood at his bedside I prayed to God, and I spoke to him, "Noah, I love you so much. Honey you are such a strong fighter, but it's okay to go. Please just send me signs that you are okay when you get to Heaven. Please send Mommy rainbows so I know you're okay and living among the other angels with God. I love you Noah. I will always miss you and always love you."
With each rainbow I see, I choose to believe it is a message from my youngest son. I choose to think he wanted to tell us today, just a month after we lost him, that he's in Heaven with Jesus and that he's still with us, even though he can't be in the way I wish him to be. I choose to believe, Noah is telling us he is okay. He wants us to be okay too.
That rainbow stayed in visible sight from our home all the way until we got to church. I got out of the car at church, took another picture and mouthed to him, "Thank you Noah. I love you." And then I turned with Isabelle and walked towards the church. Right before walking in, I turned back to see the rainbow for one last time, but it was gone. 
Noah had made his presence known and it wasn't just comforting to me, but to all of us. Michael was so proud he saw the rainbow first, sitting outside our house, and Gabriel excited he saw it still when we had arrived at church. And even Isabelle joined in shouting she saw rainbows the entire way to church. Seeing rainbows gives us all comfort as we move through this grief and I just have to believe he is still with us. I just fully believe it is a sign from him.
And believing is what helps me keep walking through this journey, one step at a time. Today was a good day (I can't believe I'm even saying that). A day spent as a family, a family of six. Celebrating each member of our family, giving thanks for those here and Noah who's gone before us, and just being together. I think that's another way we get through this difficult and sad road of loss... together... our family, the six of us.
Until next time,
Angie
Thank you for sharing! Such lovely artwork. The handprints all lined up are just beautiful, and the wall looks great with your fourth angel added to it. I was thinking about your wall the other day, and hoping that you would choose that photo of Noah and your and Jarrett's hands. That is such a beautiful photo and really captures the togetherness you three experienced during those twelve days. If you think about it, in a lot of ways you were more present for Noah even though he was in the NICU. Many parents of newborns spend their first few weeks completely exhausted and trying their best to sneak in a few winks of sleep. In your case, you were 100% focused on spending every possible moment with Noah. He knew (knows) how much he was loved, and he loved (loves) you too. It is a love that will never die. That shines through in your photo.
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