Week 11
3/23/2015
Last week was week 11 and the truth was, I couldn’t keep
straight what week it was. One moment I thought it was still week 10 and
the next I was convinced I was half way through week 12. I think deep
inside, I’m sooooo sooooo soooo ready for the first trimester to be over, I was
secretly hoping being half way through week 12 would make me just that much
closer to being able to feel like we’d made it over a huge hurdle.
Also, I had read somewhere that by week 12, the morning
sickness starts to subside. Of the countless books, websites, and apps
I’ve consumed in the last few weeks, reading that tip was the best news
ever. I don’t care if after that statement, there were 10 disclaimers following
it, saying morning sickness can still last longer and some women have it their
entire pregnancy… reading that one glimmer of hope, was enough, to give me
hope. And I took that glimmer of hope and turned it into a Goodyear Blimp
of hope, a fact statement that by Pete’s sake, I am going to be that woman who
starts feeling better by week 12 or at least 13. I’m going to. As
an old co-worker use to say… Will it and it will happen. I’ve willed the
heck out of that statement. I will feel better.
The reality was, week 11 didn’t feel that much different
than every week before. I still feel sick to my stomach every minute of
every day and night. This week brought a new adventure… feeling so weak
and sick in the shower I had no choice but to collapse on the floor of the
shower, while I tossed my cookies (or lack there of), down the shower
drain. Sorry TMI. Isabelle just happened to be in the bathroom at
the same time and came running, “Mommy, no feel good?” It’s become one of
the staples in her vocabulary. Precious little girl, when she finds
me on the couch at 5 in the morning, she comes right up to me, rubs my chest
and says, “Mommy, no feel good?” She has a natural caring instinct too.
Yesterday, during one of the many couch sessions I seem to have on a daily
basis, she must have thought I was cold. She got up from what she was
doing and disappeared into her room. She returned a few minutes later
with her favorite blanket. She did her best to spread her blanket over me
and said, “Mommy feel better.” Yes, my heart melted.
In other health news, the cold my dad and grandpa were
sporting when they were here, hit me and hit me hard. In fact, its been
over a week and a half now and I’m still feeling it as strong as ever. On
Friday I called my OB’s office and asked them if I thought I should go to the
doctor. They called me back and listed off the limited medications I can
take and told me if it was still bad on Monday to call them back. The
main thing I’m worried about it hurting the baby. I’ve done my best to
avoid taking any medication (other than my lovely nauseous pills- those things
are a must) and I don’t want to do anything that can hurt the miracle growing
inside of me. So I sleep sitting up, I carry a box of Kleenex around with
me and I sound like I’m coughing up a lung. My dad, who at this point
doesn’t know, keeps telling/forcing me to take medications completely
banned. I keep making excuses and tell him I am doing okay. Between
you and me, I’m pretty sure this is sinus infection, bronchitis or something
needing an antibiotics …. The pain when water hits my sinuses as I wash my face
in the shower each morning, the burning in my chest from coughing, the wheezing
when I breathe, the plugged ears. Maybe I’ll call back today.
In other news, in the past week, I’ve also had several
light bulb moments. One afternoon in talking with my sister, MaeLyn, one
of the only few who know (I had to tell her because I can’t be at her wedding),
I was going on and on about how terrible I feel, how emotional I am that I can
be at her wedding and how I’m still struggling with the fact that this is
really happening. My sister has been very patient and completely
understanding with me, I think I had hit her limit. She said, “Angie, I
want you to be over the top happy about this. Do you realize you have a
miracle happening inside you and this is something you’ve wanted for your
entire life. Now you are getting it and you sound miserable. I
don’t feel bad you can’t be at my wedding. Of course I’m sad you can’t be
there, but this news is SO much more exciting and just think, you have life
inside of you. Do you not realize just how amazing that
is?” Like getting hit with a sledge hammer across the side of my
face…. She’s right. She’s totally right. Sadly, I think I needed
her to set me straight and to reframe my perspective.
I know it’s hard to believe I did reset, especially after I
spent the first 5 paragraphs of this blog post ranting (again) about how
horrible I feel. The truth is, I did need an attitude adjustment. I
do. While I feel horrible… I honestly use that feeling as a reassurance
that everything must be okay. If I didn’t feel sick, would that mean
something is wrong? The truth is, MaeLyn is right. There is no
greater wish that I’ve had since a very little girl, than becoming a mom.
I know already I’m a mom three times over, but there is something pretty darn
amazing that this time, I get to give life. That is something I’ve never
been blessed to do. Is this baby coming at my time… No. Lord knows,
I’ve prayed about being pregnant since I was 23 years old. Now almost 35, my wish is finally coming true. The saying is, “All things in HIS time.”
Does it make me feel sad to miss my sister’s wedding, yes absolutely but
in a strange way, do I feel like this news is the clear sign God has been there
with us from day one, that answer is yes. I have had many many
thoughts of processing why this is happening now. While I might be
completely wrong, I can’t help but think God’s plan involved us becoming
parents to Gabriel, Michael and Isabelle first for a reason. I wonder if
in the big master plan, Jarrett and I were put here to be their parents.
I’ve been known to question my parenting abilities, especially with our
mischievous Michael who keeps me constantly searching for the next big
parenting secret, but deep down, I truly feel, we were made to be their
parents. I wonder if this baby came around earlier in our marriage, if
our family make up would be the same. And that gives me 100% assurance,
God’s plan is the ultimate one. I can’t imagine my life now without the
three blessings we call our children, and now I’m technically with our
fourth. As scary as 4 children sounds to me, I find reassurance in
knowing God must have the faith in us to be able to handle it. And if he
has the faith, then I better too.
The other thing this week that made me re-frame this
overwhelming nauseous experience, is starting to see the visible changes in my
body. This week brought a change in my stomach, that tells me things must
be happening. I still like to believe I’m hiding this news from the rest
of the world, but when I’m standing in my bathroom, I can see a change.
My stomach protrudes in a way that it hasn’t before. While I know most of
it is bloat, actually probably all of it is, there is something about not being
able to hold it in anymore that makes me see full well, this is really
happening. They say that at the end of week 11, beginning of week 12, the
uterus moves up above the pelvic bone thus causing one’s stomach to protrude in
a different way. This is exciting. I’m not sure how other pregnant
women would describe it but to me it feels like I have overeaten at every meal
I’ve been at for the last 12 weeks and there’s no chance of sucking it
in. For those who have ever overeaten know the feeling of that great
bloat isn’t the best but I’m learning to get use to it. I figure I
better… right?
Finally, the other light bulb moment for me this weekend,
was attending the baby shower of a friend who is having their first
child. It was a lovely baby shower and I’m so excited for my
friend. She will be a wonderful mother. As I sat in attendance at
the shower, in what seemed like surrounded by other women who were pregnant or
carrying their young infants, I was reminded that, while it was a secret, I am
finally, finally a part of their group. Never before in my entire life,
have I been a part of the amazing group of women who have carried life in their
loins, have given the gift of life, who have suffered for hours over the
porcelain thrown. While no one at the shower knows of my secret, for the
first time in my entire life, I felt accepted. I know it’s a silly thing…
it isn’t like women in the past have excluded me from their group…saying you
can’t come in.. you can’t get pregnant. But it was always something I put
on myself, a limit I placed upon shoulders…. Something I always felt like was
“wrong” with me because my body wouldn't work in the way a woman was made to
work… to create life. I share these words so carefully because I think
they are completely irrational. For any adoptive mother who has provided
life, I feel wholly, with my entire being, that they are just as much a mother
as anyone else. But yet, when I looked at myself, I couldn't help but
feel shame that something with me was wrong. These feelings were commonly
felt by me I can honestly say until the last year. In the last year, as
we packed up all of our baby stuff and passed it along to my sister, I became
completely comfortable with the reality, that I would never experience
pregnancy. It was then that I felt, I finally let those crippling limits
I had placed on myself go. I feel sad to admit that’s how I viewed
myself, but it is something I believe it part of the grieving process when it
comes to infertility. Finally, being pregnant for once, makes me feel
for the first time in my life, my body has not rejected what my heart wishes.
And that seems to be where I keep going back to. You’d
think after being pregnant for 11.5 weeks, (now 12 weeks), I would have come to
the realization that it is actually happening. Yet, I still find myself
questioning if it is all a big dream. I haven’t been to the doctor for
the past three weeks, I go to this week, and in that time, I almost feel like
I’m been holding my breath. I pray that everything with this baby is
perfect and I pray for the day when I birth this child into the world and stare
into his or her eyes. While I pray for that so much, I still feel like it
has to be a dream. For so long, for so so long, having a baby was all I
could think about. I wanted nothing more than to get pregnant and it took
me years to accept the fact it wasn't my story, it wasn't the life I was put
here to lead. And now I’m learned that it wasn't my story at the time….
It was in my life I was created for, but just at a different time. And so, I’m optimistically optimistic while still carrying my worries in the back of my
pocket. A few days ago, the fear of it all being a dream became too much
for me, so I decided to take yet another pregnancy test. This is test
7. As the test was processing, a fear came over me, what if it reads
negative? Why I can’t convince myself this is reality is so strange and
yet, I’m living it so I know how it feels. The results popped up
“pregnant” and for a while I was happily living in my beautiful dream. I
wonder if other moms who suffered infertility experience the same things?
I remain optimistically optimistic with my worries in my back pocket.
Because I’ve gone on long enough, I’ll wrap up by giving the
week’s highlights….
How far along are you? 11 weeks (though if I’m being honest,
as I type this, I’m 12 weeks, 2 days)
How I’m feeling? Hopeful… remember my Goodyear Blimp
of hope. I am looking at the horizon of the next trimester.
Total weight gain… I weigh somewhere around 120 (so I think
about where I started… maybe a few pounds up)
How big is baby? The size of a lime (By the way, I actually
bought one at the store this week as a way for me to visual exactly what a lime
on the inside of my stomach would look like. It actually turned into a
funny story… because I guess no one buys just 1 lime. The grocery bagger-man (hows that for a technical term) forgot to put my lime in the bag so as I’m driving out of the grocery store
parking lot, I see the clerk racing down the row of cars to chase me down…
“Ma’am you forgot your lime!” At least it wasn’t tampons or huge pads
right?)
Maternity clothes… Nope. But I did stroll down
the isle of a maternity clothes at Buy Buy Baby, while buying a shower gift for
my friend. Who in the world spends $42.00 on a tank top. Seriously
I’ll buy a regular $12.00 one extra big and find a way to make it work.
Oh my gosh, what a rip off!
Best moment this week… Getting my attitude readjusted… I
needed that.
Movement… Nothing yet, but I can’t wait to see the movement
next week at the ultrasound.
Food cravings… The only thing that tastes good seems to be
cottage cheese… I seriously bought 5 tubs of cottage cheese at the grocery
store last week.
Food aversions… EVERYTHING ELSE
Belly button in or out… In
What I miss… Jimmy John’s Subs… no eating cold meat… can
give the baby listeria. Seriously there are very well attended discussion
groups on the boards I follow, about women having their favorite sub sandwich
delivered to their room at the hospital immediately following the birth of
their child, as they had to wait 9 months to eat a cold sub. I’m not sure
if I’m there yet but I at least miss the ability to eat one. Whom I’m
kidding anyway, it would probably taste horrible at this point anyway.
Nevermind.
What I’m looking forward to… Getting good news next week at
the 12 weeks appointment and to reaching the end of the first trimester. I feel
like it will give me more peace that everything is going to be okay… we pray
for good results on the genetic testing.
Until next week,
Angie
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