Last week was a week filled with announcements. On
Easter morning we shared the news with our family after just sharing it the
night before with the kids.
There was a common theme in the response we received from
everyone we shared the news with… SHOCK.
Yep, pretty much the family and close friends we told were
in awe and shock about how it had happened. No, not how the pregnancy
physically happened, but how after all these years, we were pregnant.
There was a lot of… “I don’t know what to say, I’m in complete shock”.
Thankfully, because I had too experienced this first hand, I recognized the
immediate signs of shock, could relate instantly with how they were feeling and
told them it was okay to not know what to say or how to react. We had
gone through the same thing several weeks before. I told them, it takes a
while for it all to sink in, take your time.
After the initial feelings of shock were expressed by I
think every single person we told, the next usual response was
happiness. People were overall very thrilled and congratulatory,
which honestly made my fears of telling others, much more calming. Of
course I got the “You’re going to have how many kids now? And the “You’ll
have to buy a bus.” Comments, but that I guess it to be expected. I
am going to be the mother to four children. And while I was one of four
children in my family, I think our society has definitely evolved into “threes
the max” acceptance state of mind. Again, maybe this is just my
sensitivity to being a future mother of four, but I definitely knew I was
getting looks with having three kids in or near my grocery cart at the store, I
can’t imagine the stares I’ll get with four. Jarrett reminds me, “to each
their own” and not to worry what others think.
Finally sharing the news was in a way, a huge relief.
I felt for so many weeks I had to hide the constant gaging, losing my lunch,
breakfast and dinner, and the dead tired symptoms I had been feeling for so
long and now that it’s out, I feel I can be somewhat myself again. Still
the constantly gaging, losing my meals and looking like a hot mess day after
day is still very present, but at least people give me a bit of slack, or at
least I feel like they do. I think I was most nervous to share the news
with my colleagues and boss. I am thankful for my job and the ability to
work part time. I realize how lucky I am to have the flexibility and
support I do in working a part time position. I am very aware and
thankful. I was worried that sharing the news people may reconsider the
need for my position and now that I was going to have to take some extra time
off, I worried how the news would be accepted or if it would be. Thankfully,
my bosses boss, one of only a few other people in the office to even have
children, had recently shared she was pregnant too. While I was in the
dark about the news, I shared my news with my boss, who immediately asked me if
I had heard about my colleagues news? I said, no and she said, “We have
to bring her in.” As my boss and my bosses boss were in my office, I
shared my news and the room filled with shrieks. My bosses boss was very
excited for us and said how thankful she was pregnant with another person in
the office. I told her I felt the same way. It turns out she is
only 5 days ahead of me, so while the timing of our leave is during busy season
(is there ever NOT a busy season), our leaves will occur almost
simultaneously. I was extremely thankful for her response and the
supportive nature of their excitement for me. I decided to share the news
with the larger staff the following day at our monthly all staff meeting.
My co-worker announced first she was pregnant and then at the end of the
meeting during our round table, I told the staff I must have been drinking out
of the same water cooler as her, because I was expecting too. It was the
same response as everyone else… shock… followed by long pauses and finally
cheers of happiness.
One other thing I’ll mention about telling the news is… I
feel like I’m horrible at doing so. Several people still don’t know. This is
all new to me and unlike adoption where everything happened literally
overnight, I’m not sure about the protocol of how and when to share.
There are several people that I would love to share the news with but I’m not
sure how or when to do it. While I’m not walking around yet with a
basketball on my front, it isn’t quite obvious actually that there is anything
different about me. So I feel awkward bringing up the topic out of the
blue. In some ways I feel it would be almost easier if I was showing and
people would ask. Instead I feel self-conscious about saying anything, so
with several of my friends, I haven’t said a word. And then that makes me
think of the whole topic of infertility several of my friends and I share in
common. I remember how hard it was when we were trying to grow a family,
to hear news of other people’s pregnancy when that is what I wanted more than anything
else. So I’m sensitive to those currently going through the struggle,
to those who have grown their family in other ways, and to those who will
always feel the piercing pain that infertility bears. I feel
self-conscious to share the news and so I’ve chosen to keep the news quiet for
the most part. It feels like a double edged sword, I know they would want
to know, but I also know I don’t want to cause them any hurt feelings. I
just hope when they do find out, they will understand, our news was not meant
to cause pain. In some strange way, I hope it gives others hope, that
anything is possible.
Finally having told my family and my sister who just gave
birth a week ago, I’m so thankful I can finally talk with her about this
process. For several weeks, I wanted more than anything to ask her how
she dealt with morning sickness and how she felt about this or that, but I kept
my questions to myself. My sister had gone through infertility too and I
wanted her to be able to experience pregnancy and the celebration of her
daughter’s life without me taking anything away from her moments of pure
joy. Therefore, I didn’t share the news with her or my other extended
family. I think at first she wondered why I didn’t tell her and felt bad,
but I told her it was only because I wanted her to be the center of all the
wonderful joy. She didn’t need to share that with me or us. Now
that she knows, she’s been such a great source of support, information and
advice. She knows exactly what I’m talking about when I tell her nothing
tastes good, that I feel sick no matter what I do, and that pregnancy isn’t all
it’s cracked up to be. At first I felt horrible complaining (I know it
sounds hard to believe after reading these posts week after week) because for
so many years of my life, that is all I ever wanted and now that I’ve gotten
what I want, who am I to be complaining. But the truth is, so far this
has been VERY HARD. Emotionally taxing, physically demanding (who likes
to throw up several times a day) and mentally something I had written off ever
occurring. With all of the changes going on in my body, it has been nice
to hear my sister say, “It’s okay to not enjoy every moment, hold onto the fact
that it should get better.” I told her I’m going to hold her to
that promise. The other thing I appreciate it being able to ask her all
of those TMI questions I can’t ask anyone else. Seriously, there is a lot
of TMI stuff, I had no clue about. No one tells you these things.
Highlights of the week:
How far along are you? 14 weeks 5 days
How I’m feeling? Relieved the news is getting out.
Total weight gain… I have no idea.
How big is baby? I understand this week the baby is the size
of my clenched fist. Isn’t that an interesting comparison? It’s
always been fruits or vegetables in weeks prior.
Maternity clothes… Nope but I have noticed that my
stomach is definitely distended in the evenings in a way different than the
bloat from the past several weeks.
Best moment this week… telling family and friends and being
showed in love, of course after the shock wore off.
Movement… Nope
Food cravings… nothing
Food aversions… STILL EVERYTHING ELSE
Belly button in or out… In
What I miss… What I will miss… my sister MaeLyn’s
wedding. My due date falls 2 weeks before her wedding and the doctor told
me there is absolutely no way she would encourage/support me traveling back
home for the wedding. I’m so bummed to be missing out on my sister and
Aaron’s special day. Jarrett and the kids are going to go back, but I
can’t help but still feel emotional about not being able to be there in
person.
What I’m looking forward to… putting the word out on
the blog for it to finally be official. Until I see it in writing, I’m
still feeling like this could all be one long dream.
Here’s to another week down and my hope that feeling, dare I
say “GOOD”, is on the horizon. Please God, please God, let that be true.
Until next time,
Angie
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