Today Noah would have been a month old. In some ways it feels like yesterday we welcomed him into the world and in other ways it feels like June 13, 2015 was a lifetime ago.
A month ago today was the happiest day of my whole life. I became a mother for the fourth time and my dream of giving life to a baby from my own womb became a reality. It was an extraordinary day.
I've been thinking about this milestone for the last few weeks and how I'd feel coming up to it. This is just one more anniversary to remember, to think about and to face the reality that he is no longer here on this Earth with me. But when I thought about his birth and that today was the date he was born, I was reminded of how happy I was that day. And so I decided instead of thinking about how sad I am today, I want to make sure the milestones of Noah's life are remembered in a positive way. For he was one of our greatest blessings and I want him to be remembered for the blessings he brought us, and for the gifts he shared with others. I want him to be remembered for what he added to this life, rather than the fact that he was only with us for a short amount of time.
So each month on the date of his birth, I plan to write a post that highlights one of the blessings I have been given because of Noah, for there are so many, I have started a list of things to talk about in the coming months. But tonight, I start with the greatest gift... my son himself.
On February 8, 2015, the morning Jarrett and I found out we were pregnant, it was a day filled with such emotions. I was shocked, I was beyond surprised, I was scared, I was nervous and I was in love. Mostly, I was in love. After the fifth or sixth pregnancy test, and spending most of the day giving glances to Jarrett like "This is really happening" and "Isn't this crazy", we were given confirmation after confirmation that indeed it was real. We were having a baby. I was in love. While I didn't know the tiny embryo, fetus, I'm still not sure what the correct label is, was our son and that we would name him Noah, I knew the news of him being real, him growing inside of me, was a true gift, and the love I felt for him was instant.
At our first ultrasound, when we saw his beating heart, beating at a rate of 160 beats per minute, we were overjoyed. The doctors told us the chances of miscarriage were very minimal and we were filled with hope. Seeing his tiny heart beating inside me was surreal. It was the realization that my body, Jarrett and my love for one another had created another being... that is a miracle. And again I felt love... even stronger than before.
The ultrasounds became a regular part of our pregnancy and at week 17 when I had spotting, I was given another ultrasound and at this one, our little Noah would reveal his gender to us. Sitting with Jarrett next to me, the ultrasound tech searched for the answer to our complication and instead gave us the news that there was no reason for concern, but only reason for celebration... for we were having a son. She said, "I'm very confident but wait until your 20 week ultrasound for sure. But I'd bet my job on the fact you're having a son. He wasn't too shy in his positioning. Seeing Dad's face light up next to me as he watched his son swimming around in my stomach, I was still in love, but the love had grown.
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| Look at that beautiful profile picture... I looked at this ultrasound picture day after day for weeks, dreaming about what he was going to look like when we was born. |
I remember finding this poem on Instagram and taking a picture of it because I thought it perfectly described what I was feeling...
For Noah's movements inside me were real. I could feel him moving, and twisting and waving his hands across my insides. I will never forget the first time I felt him move. I was sleeping and guess I must have rolled over to my stomach. He must not have liked it because I felt his kick and it was stronger than any other movement I had felt before.
And then came the moment for the big gender reveal. While Dad and I had known for several weeks that you were our son, we were excited to share the news with the world. We ordered cupcakes and had them filled with blue frosting. We had our family guess if you were a boy or a girl and most people thought you were a girl, but all along I knew you were a boy. I'm not sure why I felt that way, but I did. From the very beginning I had guessed you were my son. Maybe it was just a good guess, maybe it was you telling me from very early on.
When the big reveal was made, there were shouts of cheers and congrats all around. Everyone was so excited to meet you, they were in love too. Noah James, we all felt and found love... because of you.
And the days I spent getting ready for your future arrival, I unpacked the clothes Aunt Megan had shared with us. I held up each outfit, every pair of tiny socks, and I dreamed of what you were going to look like in them. There were so many cute outfits I had to show dad almost every one. We dreamed of each day we'd have with you and how you had already made us so happy. We were madly in love.
It was a day filled with so many emotions... just like the day we first learned about your. I was shocked, I was surprised, I was scared, I was nervous and I was in love.
Noah James, from the very first moment we learned you were with us you brought us so many gifts. From happiness, to hope, to faith in a God bigger than ourselves, but mostly Noah... you showed us LOVE.
Thank you for giving us so many gifts. Thank you for giving us your love. We miss you, we celebrate your life and while we wish you were still here with us and we were celebrating your one month birthday, we are thankful that we got to have you for the time we did. For we wanted more time together, but Noah James the amount of love you brought to our life, will last us our lifetime. Until we see you again my precious baby... my love for you continues to grow and grow.
Happy 1 month baby.
Until next time,
Mom
Do beautiful!
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