A different perspective..

It's been a busy week.  The boys are in a vacation bible school program, Isabelle returned to school for the first time in over a month and I'm back to working my normal schedule at work.  There seems to be so much to catch up on; we are back to the way things were before Noah came... always too much too do, not enough hours in the day, racing from one thing to the next.

Staying busy has some benefits, its helps me keep my mind occupied.  The drawbacks seem to be that when the time finally comes that my mind slows enough, the sadness comes back with a vengeance.   Those moments of sadness are really hard, but as everyone says, just keep going, so I try.

In the last 24 hours I've found myself viewing this situation, our loss, in different perspectives.

 Last night I met up with a great friend, actually we consider her part of the family... Aunt Stacey.  Stacey has known us for the past 5 years and was one of the first teachers the boys had.  I'll never forget the first time I met Stacey.  It was the first day of preschool for Gabriel and when I introduced her to him (she was his teacher), she walked with me toward the front of the school.  She looked me in the eyes and asked me about him and his background as she had known we adopted Gabriel.  In the genuine way she asked the question, I could tell she wanted to know, not just to know, but because she wanted to provide the best guidance, support and instruction to him that she could.  From that moment, a trusting friendship was formed.

We have remained close ever since and I find myself turning to her for guidance, for her other passion is that she is active volunteer for Hospice.  She helps families through their most difficult times.  I knew in losing Noah, she would be able to share helpful information and guidance.  Last night we talked for several hours and in hearing her give advice, share her knowledge and what she's experienced, it hit me that sadly all of us have or will have grief in our lives. In hearing Stacey share about the loss of her great friend, I realized that with any loss there is pain we all feel.  The way that we process, learn to cope and live with the grief is how we all go through this differently.

This morning when I woke up I looked forward to lunch as I was getting together with Kristal, my wonderful nurse from labor and delivery.  As I drove to Wildflower, all the questions I wanted to ask her raced through my mind.  We had spent several days together and while I got a snippet into her life in the hospital, I felt like I had so many more pieces to fit into the puzzle.  The minute I saw her walk through the door, all the warm, fuzzy feelings from back in antepartum rushed back.  This girl is amazing.  Kristal and I talked and talked.  Her outlook on life is amazing.  She shared with me her family life, where she grew up, her determination that she was going to be a nurse... a goal she had set for herself at a very young age.  In hearing the details of her youth, the challenges she's overcome and the high mark she's set and achieved for herself, my awe in her multiplied.  I knew as she held my hand in labor and delivery that I had met an incredible person in her.  In getting to know her even more on a personal level today, I am simply in awe of her kindness, compassion for others and her selflessness to give over and over of herself to help make the lives of other people's better.  I feel privileged to know her.

As Kristal shared with me her thoughts about life, about the challenges she's faced and overcome, I couldn't help but notice her positivity.  It was the same in those scary hours we spent together in antepartum and labor and delivery.  Her optimism and never-faltering glass half full spirit is so contagious and inspiring, I found myself thinking of life from other people's perspectives and realizing, "Geeze, why am I complaining; others have had it worse than me."    We talked about how we were lucky to have had Noah for 12 days and how amazing most of those days were.  Sadly, some families, some mothers have to give birth to a child they never heard cry, never saw take a breath and sadly never saw or felt a beating heartbeat.  I got to watch Noah's heartbeat for 12 amazing days  outside of my body and many more inside. I got to hear him cry and I watched his chest raise up and down as he took breath after breath.  I got to feel my son's warm skin on my chest, and feel him grasp my finger.  I got to sing him songs, see him turn his head in my direction when I talked and I got to be in his life for 12 whole days.

Kristal also reminded me that I was able to get pregnant and to give birth.  And she's right, my dream did come true.  I always wanted to experience pregnancy and have a baby.  I did. Just 8 months ago, I thought that dream was always just going to be that... a dream.  But Noah showed me it was our reality.  I got to have the experience of morning sickness for 15 weeks.  I got to see him on ultrasound not once or twice but 9 times.  And I got to know what its like to feel another living being, a precious baby created from my loins, move around inside me.  Kristal is right... being pregnant was a gift.  And it was pretty darn amazing.  

As I left our lunch date, I couldn't help but think of the word "perspective."  The reality is, life can and sometimes is pretty darn hard, some days I'd say it can be pretty crappy.  But depending on one's perspective, we can continue to focus on the crappy part, or we can break it apart and find the moments, the events, sometimes even an entire day, that was actually okay or pretty darn good. That's the perspective we need to hold onto and focus on to get us through those tough moments.

Now this isn't to say tomorrow morning I'm not going to wake up feeling pretty crappy and want to focus on just how sad I am at missing my son.  The truth is, that's probably how I'm going to feel.  But Stacey, Kristal and so many others of you have reminded me... to remember a different perspective.  So many others have suffered loss, have had to grieve loved ones, sad events and life just being life.  It is hard... some times it is terrible... but our perspective in how we look at things can make our struggles, our sadness, our loss, seem just a bit more bearable.

Remember this Angie, when you feel so so sad... find that different perspective to remind you of all the great moments you've had.  They are bountiful...

Until next time,
Angie