After dropping them at the airport, I wondered, where do I go from here. I knew Jarrett and the kids were waiting for me at home, but I couldn't stop thinking... "Where do I go from here?" How do I move on? I'm still struggling with that. My family reminds me, its only been a week, be kind to yourself... no one is telling you you have to move on today.
And yet, I want desperately more than anything to have Noah in my arms. To feel happiness, even a tiny bit of happiness. This morning I couldn't sleep, so I decided to get up and run... it was almost 4 a.m. Running has always made me feel better; always, until today. The last time I ran was in early February and I stopped once we found out we were pregnant with Noah, per the doctors recommendations. Today I left my house in the middle of the dark sky and I hoped for a twinge of that feeling I use to get from running. I ran the same route I had run all those mornings just 6 months ago as I prepared for the half-marathon Noah and I did together. And despite not having exercised in so long, I was able to run the entire way, it was anger, it was hurt, it was pain, it was sadness... that is what kept me going. And when I returned home, hoping I'd find some endorphins kicking in and making me feel better, I still felt the same way... crushed. I will try again tomorrow to see if I feel any better, see I'm not sure exactly what to do with myself.
Now that I don't have any excuse not to exercise and all that remains from my pregnancy body is the unbaby belly that reminds me of where Noah used to be, I feel I must try to return to my previous ways. Even though I don't want to.
As the day went on and I returned home from the airport, we had the kids take a nap to catch up on some of their sleep... we haven't had a scheduled in, well, I don't even know how long. As the house was quiet I returned to writing thank you's while Jarrett went to our bedroom to "tidy up" I knew what he was doing and I pretended it wasn't happening. See just a few weeks ago, I had spent several hours going through the baby clothes my sister handed down to us for Noah. I carefully folded them, organized them by size and put them into the changing table dresser Jarrett had used as a baby. It was going to be special for us getting to use the baby changing table that had been his as a baby. All of Noah's clothes were ready for him to come home, beautiful blankets made especially for him from my aunts and all the little outfits saying "I love my Mommy" and "Daddy's little guy". Never to be worn, sadly. Jarrett knew it would be to much for me to go through them so he went through the process of boxing up all the clothes by himself. He's been so strong for me, as I have been so weak.
He boxed up all the clothes, the reminders of what our life was going to be like and tucked them away, hid by a blanket so the constant reminders everywhere I look are not as painful.
Its been a hard day. I think today's pain comes from the what if's. What would our life had looked like with Noah in our lives. How would our family dynamic changed? What would his personality be like? We will never know. Tonight as we sat at our dining room table and ate together for the first time as a family of 5 in over a month, I couldn't help but think that Noah should be at the table too. Unable to get those thoughts out of my mind, my stomach turned, I pushed my plate of food away and had to leave the table. It too was another reminder of the life we wanted so badly, that we will never get to live.
As the sun was setting tonight, I could feel the weight of the day push down on my back, crushing me. It was then that I heard my phone beep and I raced to see it. When I looked at my phone I saw that two of my friends had reached out to me at the same exact time.
One was my friend who has traveled a difficult road as well. I've blogged about her before and her journey to become a mother. Today was a day she hoped would bring exciting news, and instead she got others. I had texted her this morning and said I didn't know what else to say other than I was sorry. I told her I had no understanding for why sad things like her struggle and our loss had to happen but that I would pray. I also shared with her that I had been praying to Noah to ask God to bring her a positive pregnancy result. She will be a wonderful mother. Tonight when she texted me back she shared that since it was a rough day for her and her husband they decided to go out to a restaurant. She said they sat in the bar area and that the bartender was very nice and at the end of their dinner he introduced himself. His name was Noah. She said she was immediately taken aback and that she felt a wink from God. She said she knows Noah is working with God for the future and that Noah must have heard my prayer. She ended by saying, "Not only is God winking but Noah is too. I felt it in that moment."
As I thought about my friends message, the tears came as they so easily do these days, but they also made me feel thankful she felt a wink from above. While I beg Noah to send me signs, I realized tonight my friend needed that wink more than me and her sharing the experience she had, gave me great peace and comfort too. I hope that while today was a difficult day, she finds hope and comfort in her "winks" from above.
The second friend that texted me was actually a new friend, she was Noah's nurse. The amazing Lauren who came to the hospital to share in our grief on her day off. I consider her a new friend as I've clearly shared with Noah's nurses, that I want to say in contact and celebrate happy times going forward. While the loss of Noah is so hard for me, I look forward to building relationships with them and celebrating happy times in the future. That would be a great tribute to Noah I believe.
Lauren's note was a series of three pictures, followed by a simple note...
When I saw her pictures I raced outside to look for the rainbow with my own eyes. When I didn't see anything, I walked back in the house and showed Jarrett. We both cried. It was then that I realized, that while I didn't see the rainbow with my own eyes, I still find comfort and hope, for the rainbow will always remind me of my son and today's message from Heaven came via my new friend Lauren, from my little angel above.
Until next time,
Angie
Sorry that today was especially hard for you. I hope you don't continue to think of yourself as "weak." You are an amazing person and a wonderful mother. It is natural to grieve such a deep, immeasurable loss. Each person grieves in their own way. You're doing a good job of taking care of yourself as well as your family. I hope that tomorrow brings more rainbows.
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