39 weeks and 3 days...Its exactly what we prayed for.

Yesterday was our final ultrasound.  After 24 plus weeks of weekly ultrasounds, Jarrett and I went for the final time to our weekly movie screening staring our littlest daughter.  It didn't hit me until mid-way through the afternoon.  I looked at my calendar for next week and looking at the schedule for Tuesday, I saw that my appointment time was missing.  Without putting two plus two together, I immediately flipped to my master scheduling sheet they had given me and looked for the time of next week's appointment... that's when I realized it.

Next week at this time, my daughter will be here. No longer will I watch her movements on a screen, or dream of if she'll look like the cute chubby baby I see in the pictures... nope, by next Tuesday, I should get to experience all of it by simply looking down in my full arms.  Unbelievable... my dream come true.

In thinking about our weekly visits to Valley Perinatal, I felt very emotional.  The wonderful team there have become friends, a supportive network, a team of cheerleaders, helping us reach the victory at the end.  As much as I want to meet her, to have her here and bring her home, I felt like I was closing a big chapter in our lives.  Honestly for the past 5 months those weekly visits have been a saving grace for my mental worries.  Each week they'd put that goop on my stomach, followed by the wand and I'd get to see our baby girl rolling around inside, putting her hands up to her face, kicking my side and doing all her practice breathing... it was a healing band-aid to the wounds my heart and mind experienced last year.  This pregnancy I often times felt crippled with fear of what could happen.  I realize now that that fear robbed me from enjoying many aspects of pregnancy I know I will come to miss, but it's also that heightened fear that made me appreciate, understand and find gratitude in each of the past 275 days- the number of days I've carried Sweetie Pie inside of me.  That fact right there is one of the reasons I can say today, my faith has been restored.

From this at 14 or so weeks pregnant... to 

39 Weeks!  Full term!  

Yesterday one of my dear friends (one of the many who have reached out to check in and provide support-- and I'm so grateful for you checking in on me) sent me a message that said, "You probably get asked this 100x a day, but how you feeling?"  I responded and told her I was just headed to the doctor for my last ultrasound and how as nervous as I am about labor, I'm so excited to meet her."  She responded, "God can sure surprise us, can't he?"  I replied, "He surely can.  I feel like this process has been a full circle for my faith.  I'm grateful."  I saw that she was responding right away and a few seconds later this message appeared...

"Trust begets trusts... He knows sometimes we need to rebuild from ground zero.  He sure does have a story for you to share."  

Reading her text, each word struck a cord especially... "sometimes we need to rebuild from ground zero."  Sonya was exactly right.

Thinking about where I was just 10 months ago, I would have never believed I, that we, our family, could be where we are today.  I was crushed, I felt like an empty soul of a person, unsure how to go on, broken in so many ways, too damaged beyond repair.  I know now Jarrett felt so helpless in how to "save" me and unnerved (while not undetermined) in what he had to do to bring all of us out of the deep dark hole we lived in.  We were a family in tragedy, in the midst of grief, unsure of which way to go to bring ourselves back.

I fully recognize there are so many reasons we stand here today in a different place.  It was in great part due to the love and care that so many (YOU) have shared and shown us.  The cards, the letters, the calls, the participation in Noah's Kindness Project, the prayers, the thoughts... so many acts of love and kindness... it still brings tears to my eyes at how you carried us for so long.  We will NEVER forget and always be grateful.

Inside the walls of our house, as a family of 5 trying to rebuild and find our faith and hope in a world that seemed to take it all away from us... little did we realize back in August, our messenger of hope and faith was beginning to grow.  The news that we were expecting again, was the glimmer of light we needed to get out of that deep dark hole as we started to pull ourselves back to the surface and live a joyous life again.  

My truth is...

How true.  I can look back now and say, if it wasn't for me hitting rock bottom, being at ground zero, I know now I would never be where I am today.  As horrible and difficult as that time was, (and how I never wish anyone to have to go through it), those excruciatingly hard times have made me a different person and allowed me, (I'd argue our whole family) to see life in a different way.  For that new perspective, that appreciation of life, kindness and love is deeper than I ever believe I would have been able to feel or express had we not had and lost our precious Noah.

After our ultrasound yesterday, Dad and I stopped at the memorial garden where Noah's final resting place is.  Unlike most visits, this time Dad and I purposely went just the two of us.  Each time we visit him there, I admit, its always very emotional for me.  Unlike when I look up into the sky searching for rainbows that give me hope and make me smile, visiting his memorial is the knife in the chest feeling of reminding me just how much I miss him.  Dad and I were the only ones at the garden and took a seat on the bench that allowed us to be right in front of his plaque.  We sat quietly for a few moments, I'm sure sorting through the many thoughts racing through our minds.  And while I both knew we were trying to hold back tears, the emotions are always too great.  Dad spoke first... "I can't help but think about what Noah would have been like as he grew... what would have he liked.  What sport would have he played?  What his personality would have been like. How big and strong he would have been."  I looked over at him as he spoke and the water in his eyes welled.  I told him I had no doubt Noah would have been like his daddy.  Tall, strong, kind-hearted and probably laid-back with the same easy-going personality I fell in love with 20 plus years ago when I met his Dad. Jarrett didn't say anything but I knew he was taking in each word.  And then I said, "Noah probably would have played baseball- because it seems that's the sport for our family and he would fit in perfectly with our league (there are a lot of Noah's in our division).  We both laughed and it lightened the heaviness of emotion for a minute.  

We then talked about how much we missed Noah.  I asked Jarrett if he remembered that early morning when I took that first pregnancy test and experienced the biggest surprise of our lives.  We went through each milestone of the pregnancy in carrying him, the time we spent in antepartum together (that week of just Jarrett and I was also a gift he gave us), the emotional journey through the NICU and even through his memorial service.  We both cried as each memory was shared.  Happy tears in realizing that his life was one of the greatest gifts.  And sad tears in the pain of losing him and the reality of all we missed in seeing his life cut so short.  

Feeling so many emotions as we look forward to Friday (or before), I paused and then said, "Dad, you were right what you said a few weeks ago.  Without the great loss in having to say goodbye to him, we would never have this great life we have here today."  - as I rubbed my belly.  If it wasn't for Noah, we'd never have this baby.  In that fact we are both able to find comfort and the joy being replaced by great sadness.  In a way, I think we both attribute baby girl's life as the rainbow after the storm in our loss... and for those of you who read this blog know for me... I will always attribute a rainbow and my angel son.  

As we left the memorial garden, I think we both felt a wave of peace come over us.  I think we needed that time, we needed to relive those moments with Noah and our time with him.  Not that we will ever close that chapter in our lives, he will forever be a part, but knowing in less than 2 days we will meet our rainbow baby, we wanted to spent a few moments reflecting on where we have been and how we got to where we are now.  

We said our goodbyes until next time and got in the car to return to the responsibilities of life. It was time to pick up the kids from school and driving there, I asked Dad what name of our now shorter list he was leaning towards.  We both are feeling called to pick the same name but decided still we'd like to meet her first before saying 100% yes.  Dad reached across and grabbed my hand, I could tell he was still in deep thought.  He then spoke, "You know, this moment is exactly what we prayed for.  This is exactly what we asked God to give us.  We have so much to be thankful for."  He was right.  Back those many months ago and through today... our constant prayer has been to have a healthy, full term baby that we can bring home."  God has answered that prayer.  How can my faith not be restored?

In two days (if not sooner) we will get to begin the next adventure in our lives... adding our second daughter to our family.  We are all so excited, the kids can't wait and if we are being honest.. Jarrett and I are just as giddy as the kids.  It has been a long road to get to 39 weeks and 3 days... but its exactly what we prayed for.  

Here are the final images from our last ultrasound with Sweetie Pie from yesterday...

Those big chubby cheeks...

to the bottom of her foot... oh how we love her so.

 Until next time,
Angie