Wednesday, May 25 was a very emotional day for me. Not only was it the day we got to bring home our beautiful baby girl, it was the 11 month anniversary of us having to say goodbye to Noah. I talked earlier about our drive home and how I fought back emotions for most of the drive. While I tried to hold back tears, the truth is they streamed down my face the entire drive home. I couldn't help it... I felt so much happiness, so much sadness in missing Noah and so many feelings in the middle, it was a very emotional day.
Arriving home brought great anticipation from the kids and an overwhelming feeling of joy... our dream had come true. And yet as much as I felt my heart heal as we welcomed Madelyn into our life at home, I couldn't shake the feeling Noah should have been here with us too.
And that's when I happened to walk by the high counter in the kitchen, the place where the mail is left each day. And I saw it. A large USPS white envelope addressed to Madelyn Haskovec. I reached for it and looked immediately at the return address to see whom it was from... it was from Noah... at 1 Heaven Lane. I put the envelope back on the counter, felt the tears rising to the surface and quickly walked to our bedroom. The kids and our parents were in the living room celebrating Madelyn and the joyous occasion and I didn't want to catch anyone's attention. I walked into our bedroom, took a deep breath, and heard Jarrett come through the door from the garage. I walked back out of our bedroom and to the kitchen, grabbing the envelope again and walking back into our room. I called for Jarrett and asked him to come in with me. I knew immediately this was something we should open together.
Jarrett came in a few minutes later and at the end of our bed, I showed him the envelope, pulled open the tab and pulled out this letter. We both started reading... I started reading it out loud... I only got as far as, Dear Madelyn, My name is Noah James Haskovec. I am one of your three brothers. You also have a sister and the best mom and dad anyone could... (and my voice cracked and the tears made my vision cloudy. We read the rest silently.)
Midway through the letter, Jarrett wrapped his arm around me and I could feel the tears rolling down his cheeks, even though he was standing behind me. I finished reading the letter, turned toward Jarrett and sobbed into his chest. We held one another for several minutes and when we released I said, "Dad, its like this letter arrived just when I needed it. All day long, while I feel so happy, I also feel so sad Noah isn't here. I've been feeling guilty that I'm so happy on a day that we should also be thinking of him." Jarrett, said, "Well I think this letter is just a reminder that Noah wouldn't want us to be sad, he is still with us and that its okay to be happy." We both embraced again and I knew he was right. And again, on a day when I needed that reminder more than anything, a sign, an actual letter sent from Heaven arrived to tell me exactly that.
Jarrett then reached into the envelope one more time and pulled out this...
It says... "I'm a rainbow baby... it took a special rain, mixed with sunlight to make me."
I wiped the tears away as they just kept coming. What a beautiful onesie, and such a perfect saying. As I admired the gift infront of me, I recited the letter I had just read over in my mind and I thought of Madelyn. Such a perfect little child, the answer to our prayers and without Noah, there would have been no Madelyn. This letter, this beautiful gift had reminded me that while its okay to miss Noah, to long for him to be in our life, I don't have to feel guilty or sad that he's not here in the way I want him to be. He's watching down from Heaven and will forever be a part of our lives here. That letter means so much to me.
A few minutes later Jarrett and I left the bedroom and walked back to our family gathered in the living room. I sniffled as I walked and with puffy (obvious crying) eyes it was my dad who first noticed. He said, "Are you okay?" To which I said, "You have to see this." again with a cracking in my voice. I handed him the envelope and said, "Look where its from?" He read the return label... "1 Heaven Lane... from Noah." I said, open it up and read the letter inside to everyone.
Dad pulled out the letter as Michael stood up next to Grandpa to see first hand what the letter said. I spoke..."Its a letter from Noah in Heaven." with again the tears in the corner of my eyes. Dad held the letter in his hand and while I had told him to read it out loud to everyone, I could tell he was trying to gather his composure as he too was emotional. That's when Michael jumped in volunteering to share the wonderful message. As Michael read the letter, the living room filled with Madelyn's grandparents and her siblings listened so attentively, our house was as quiet as a church on Sunday morning. As Michael read, "Love your brother Noah at the end of the letter I looked around to see tears in everyone's eyes. They too had been moved by the beautiful words on the paper. We then showed them the onesie and we talked for a long time about how special this package was. How perfect the timing and how moving the message.
Wednesday was a very emotional day. The timing of that package arriving on the day we'd come home from the hospital, the 11th month anniversary of our son's passing, and on a day when I felt so insecure and in need of reassurance, is nothing short of another wink from Heaven. I'll forever cherish the letter that was sent from 1 Heaven Lane, and I'll look forward to reading that letter to Maddy in the future years as I tell her about her littlest brother... the one we look up into the sky to talk to, and the one as Isabelle likes to say, "that lives in the clouds."
Thank you Noah for sending Madelyn such a beautiful letter. We love you, we miss you and we are so thankful for your signs from above.
Until next time,
Angie
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