While the tears of his loss flow less frequently, his legacy feels just as strong. Today we remember him, we smile when we think of his presence in our lives and we realize the reality we live in with him not physically in our arms, doesn't mean he isn't still with us in other ways.
Tonight as I was putting away Isabelle's clothes in her room, she came into her room with some toys she was playing with and as usual was singing a song to herself. I didn't pay too much attention to the words or the tune, until I heard her say, "I love my baby brother Noah and Sweetie Pie. They are my favorite..." She continued on with the song making up lyrics about why she loved them. It was out of the blue, we hadn't even been talking about Noah or baby sister, but he and she were both on her mind. Guess it wasn't just me today.
And then there's the boys and the way they remember Noah. The rainbow holds a special significance to Gabriel as well. Here is his art folder he brought home from school this week...
And here is the picture he drew on his own and put up in his room... very prominently over his bookshelf
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| A note to Noah with his wishes for his baby sister above. |
We all feel Noah in different ways. We long to stay connected to him, to honor, to remember, the son, the brother, the angel we never really got to know.
Today I had a doctors appointment and as I walked into the building, a song played over the speakers... wanna guess what song it was? Don't even think I need to say it anymore. Maybe its just coincidence, maybe its just because my ears are so tuned into searching for it, but seriously? Why is it that we hear it so often, at times it seems I need a reminder all will be okay.
While at the doctor today I learned that Sweetie Pie's induction will be pushed back to next Friday at noon. Who knew the hospital schedule could fill up with other momma's needing to be induced. So we'll plan to prepare to welcome her next Friday and hope she decides to come earlier.
As we look so forward to welcoming her and actually getting to bring her home with us, we are always aware of our little boy who didn't get to come home. We will NEVER forget him, she is NOT taking his place. In someways I feel he came before her, to show me what true faith is, to teach me about the importance of never giving up hope and to show me that life may not go as we have planned, but that it can still be good.
Last Sunday driving home from church, Jarrett reached his hand across the console and grabbed my hand. I could tell he was still thinking about the sermon from church. Pastor's message was all about mom's and they showed a video that covered the journey of motherhood from a newlywed couple welcoming their newborn baby home, through the toddler years, the big kid stage, teenagers, college, watching your son get married and begin his own family, to the end of life as the mother had to say goodbye in her final days. I think everyone in church had tears in their eyes at the end of the video and while I did my best to hold back tears (I failed), I looked over at Jarrett who's eyes were also filled with water. In the car, holding my hand, he said, "that video made me think so much of Noah and all we will miss out on with him." I told him I agreed and that I wished so much that he was still here with us. Jarrett, the forever optimist and logical thinker paused for a moment and said, "Mom, we have to give thanks for him, but also realize that if he hadn't come early, we would not be where we are today... and look in a matter of a few short days, we will get to bring home a healthy daughter." I couldn't speak but knew he was exactly right.
Noah's gift of life and our greatest loss in losing him, opened up another door for us to be where we are today... a place where life has joy, where we look forward to the future and where we can smile through heart-ache and be grateful that we had him, even if it was only for 12 days.
So that's what we do. We will always remember Noah and cherish him. Bringing home baby girl will I believe be so healing for our hearts (all of us) and I just can't wait to meet her. Just like Gabriel, Michael and Isabelle know and remember Noah, Sweetie Pie will come to hear about her big brother in Heaven and how much he means to us, even if he's not physically here.
As we prepare to meet our newest daughter, there are a few gifts we've been given that are extra special to us. They are special gifts for our daughter but also have a special connection to our littlest angel. Here are just a few...
And then there are these handmade beautiful rainbow booties that came from Erin, one of the classmates Jarrett and I went to high school with. It was so touching that she found these for us and sent them. I can't wait to put Sweetie Pie in them!
And this adorable onesie from Uncle Jonas and Aunt Kacee. It reads, " Handpicked for Earth by my Brother in Heaven." This saying truly speaks to what my heart believes and it is a very touching gift.
And then there is this gift...
The front of the quilt.
The back of the quilt.
This is the quilt Nana (and Papa helped too I believe) made for us, made for Sweetie Pie. I had found a similar pattern when I was on bedrest and shared it with Nana telling her how much I liked it. She willingly said she'd be happy to make it for us and the finish product continues to take my breath away. I love every stitch, every choice of fabric, and the tangible love that went into it as I hold it. I can't wait for Sweetie Pie to be wrapped up in the gift that is this beautiful quilt.
There are so many neat aspects to this quilt I am sure I can't highlight all of them. Some of my favorite aspects are the quote in the middle. It too reads, "Handpicked for Earth by my brother in Heaven." With of course a rainbow. It is the focal part of the quilt where my eyes are first drawn. It so happens so were Isabelle's too.
"For unto us a child is born, unto us a son is given. "
These pieces of fabric were a part of the fabric Nana bought for Noah and his quilt. How fitting that part of his quilt fabric would be incorporated into Sweetie Pie's quilt.
And the versus, so fitting...
Everlasting father: I have called you by name and you are mine.
This verse reminds me that Noah was called home to God and while I always wanted him to be mine, to be ours, he really was a child of God.
And finally...
"Deliver. Go, do not fear, for I am with you. Do not be dismayed for I am your God. I will strengthen you and help you. I will uphold you with my righteous hand."
As I think about the past 11 months, I can't help but feel the journey has been filled with peaks and valleys, thorns and flowers, the barrenest of lands to the plush forest. It has been a journey filled with great doubt, with fear and uncertainty. And yet, I stand her today, feeling filled with faith, replenished with hope and strengthened by what we'd had to endure.
This journey had led me to where I am today... a week away (or less) from meeting our second miracle baby. A journey that has broken me to the core, and rebuilt me to see life differently. So much to give thanks for, so much to look forward to... and it all started because of a precious little boy named Noah.
With love always my precious angel...
Until next time,
Mom
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