Five years ago tonight I laid in the hospital bed and connected to magnesium drip and prayed. While most of the day is fuzzy to me, I do remember having a couple of visitors (I think) and I remember calling my mom asking her if she'd fly out to Arizona to help us. My aunt Marjory was already planning to come help us, even before my water broke. After my water broke I asked my mom to come with her. Jarrett's parents and my aunt and uncle had been helping with the kids, along with our dear friends. At least that's what I remember people telling me afterwards.
As I went through my phone of pictures from this night 5 years ago, this is the only picture from that day. It was taken at 2:53 am I think it was the last picture I had taken before I was moved to antepartum. The line shows the contractions I was having.
The rest of the day... blank.... pretty much a day lost in my mind.
Here 5 years later, I find myself in such a different place.... I couldn't stop my mind today. I woke up and went for a run first thing... it has been helping me process my thoughts and I know it is good for my mental health. Today as I woke up and felt sad I wondered if I was going to feel that way all day and then I got started. The music played in my ears and Noah's song came on.... "Stand up and dance with me." For some reason, maybe it was Noah in my mind but I pictured him in Heaven and him saying to me, "Mom, I'm okay. Don't be sad. Look at what you have here... enjoy my siblings, cherish them now. Don't feel sad, I am okay." Almost if I had been talking directly with him.
And then I thought back to the first day Jarrett and I met Gabriel and Michael and how magical that day was. How seeing them was so incredible, how Gabe grabbed my hand and walked me around proudly announcing that I was his new mom. He surely wouldn't do that today but it made me stop and realize I have five incredible gifts right in front of me... as much as I miss Noah, wish he was here, I do know in my heart he is okay, and I would hate to say I missed moments today with my kids here because I was too caught up in grief of reliving the pain of years past. So I finished my run and promised myself I would do what I could today to cherish moments with them and to remember the gifts here.
And I did. I spent time talking or playing with each of the kids, telling them again how much they mean to me. And as much as I tried to push down the feelings in my heart, I kept feeling the weight of the sadness seep up. Before 11 I walked to Jarrett who was filling up his coffee cup, I tried to hold back the tears but I couldn't and I just said... "I feel so sad."
I can't explain it. My heart and mind just keep going back to these days, these moments and I can't stop wondering what life would be like if he was here or if I could just hold him one more time. Jarrett knew, I didn't have to say more. He comforted me as he always has. I told him that I was going to get to talk with a mom who heard about our story and asked to talk.
She herself just had to say goodbye to her baby just a few short days ago. Her baby, also a miracle, a fighter who was born at 22 weeks and 6 days and fought for more than 6 weeks. As heartbreaking as it is to hear of other families who become a member of the group no one ever wants to join, I feel honored that someone would want to talk with me to see how we made it through. I never feel like I say the right things or have any real advice to share, but my heart connects immediately with these mothers I've not met in person but feel like I have. This afternoon we had a chance to talk, and while I told myself not to cry, I lost it only a few minutes after saying hello.
I think grief while different for each person, has similarities and baggage that sucks one down... guilt, sadness, questions of why and what if, and will I ever feel true joy again. For me it has been a journey and looking back five years I see how my doubts those first days of ever being truly happy again were wrong. Life is good, life is joyous. Will I ever forget or ever not miss him... no. I guess that's the price of loving.
I'm trying to give myself grace as I feel these emotions... I'm doing the best I can. These times of COVID-19 which seem to be getting worse in ours state, the time that we've been home with each other is not easy, working from home requires a balance and a lot of patience, and school... it is a lot. I tell myself to just be okay with however things are this week.
Tomorrow is a new day... a day to look for the good things, to be okay with however I feel and to just do the best I can. That's what I was doing 5 years ago tonight and I guess that's how I am today. As much as life has changed, some strategies don't need to be different.
Until next time,
Angie
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