So when I went back to my phone's pictures from June 7, 2015 I find nothing.... I think it was because the day was pretty low key, I spent most of it resting in bed. Little did I know that night when I went to bed I would be racing to the hospital trying to stop Noah from coming. It was technically Sunday night/Monday morning and the whole thing in some ways seems just like yesterday.
I remember throwing on clothes and going out to sit in the van while I waited for Jarrett to come out. I was begging him to hurry in my mind. Thank God Jarrett's mom and dad had stayed so we could leave right way. On the way to the hospital I was trying to breathe through the contractions and I texted my parents something about... My water broke, in labor, please pray. I then called my mom and dad and I can't remember if I was crying to screaming in pain, I just remember being so scared.
We got to the hospital and I shared what I remember on yesterday's post.
You know what's funny about grief is that some people probably look at me and think... how can she still be so sad and so caught up in his loss? What does she have to complain about? Honestly, you're right, I probably don't have much to complain about and I am ever so thankful for the family I have here. Trust me.
That being said, it does not make me miss Noah any less. It does not make me think about his less or wonder what life would be like if he was here. Who would he look like? What would his personality be? Would he be excited about starting Kindergarten, would he be shy or outgoing? I wonder it all.
Honestly, these last few days have been really hard for me. I feel anxious, I feel sad, I feel on edge. Maybe it's what's happening around us? I know it is grief and I'm trying to keep it in check. I am honest with the kids about my anxiety, Isabelle tells me to breathe through it (funny how she's giving me meditation tips) and to cover my ears. Madelyn just hugs me and tells me she loves me. And the boys they don't say much. It makes me wonder if they remember all of the sadness we lived through and have their own emotions. I'll have to ask them.
I think that's the thing about grief... it could be 1 day, 5 years, 10 years of a lifetime and it never really goes away. It's hard to stop feeling sad or missing someone you love, I don't think I ever will. We just learn to live through it.
Until tomorrow,
Angie
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